seliki: (introspective Daniel)
( Jul. 18th, 2012 08:58 pm)
Ok some days are better than others and then there are the days that suck so bad that I spend most of them in the corner crying. I never cried this much when my mom died but I expected to outlive her, I think that is the difference. I never expected to outlive Robbie, this is actually the nightmare I have lived with my whole life...outliving my sister.

Anyone who have younger sibs knows what I am talking about..the horror of knowing that they are gone!! You failed in taking care of your sister/brother like you have been told to do your whole life. Older Sibs you know exactly what I mean, you probably say it to your own kids, "take care of your sister/brother".

My sister had bronchitis every year from the time she was 2 years old, when the temp dropped below 50 degrees the hospital would have a room open in the peds unit for her. I was used to watching her and telling when she was having problems breathing, watching when she needed help. Not that the little snotwad would tell me but that was my keep her breathing until help got there. Boy howdy did that not happen this time and all I could do was hold the kids and keep the screaming internal. I hate sounding like a pity party but it has to come out somehow and this is it. I get the live my worse nightmare, its hard, it hurts and I need a whole lot of time to get my mind wrapped around this. To be continued...
seliki: (Stormy Lighthouse)
( Jun. 20th, 2012 08:18 pm)
Alright went back to a former employer, I'm working through a temp agency right now and jobs are sparse. I enjoy this employer a lot, all I have to do is data entry, I can spend the whole day typing, snacking and listening to my tunes in a quiet and stress free environment.
I was called back this past Friday and was glad of it I need to get busy outside of the house and my family. These people are wonderful and several walked up to me and gave me hugs right off the bat and inquired on how I was doing. I told the truth, I was doing fine for the moment. If someone tells you that they are doing fine and seem to believe it after a close loved one dies...believe them but know it is only for that moment, that hour or that day. It takes time and contrary to belief time does heal, somewhat, kinda. You heal but it comes with a great big damn scar, it stretches and itches and aches...a lot. Every death gives you a new one, some small, some...well Titanic size comes to mind. I have 2 of those, one is recent and one is from 1995 and looks like a mom with black hair, green hazel eyes and a big loving smile.

Ouch that one hurts, but the new one...its fake red hair but she loved it, green hazel eyes *got those from mom* a long stride and another huge, beautiful, cocky smile.

Both her girls got the smile, one has her eyes and the other has sky blue and I don't know what I would do without them. I feel like I'm being silly them I remember a friend telling me to grieve, not to bottle it up, my sister is gone and I need to get that off my chest. Thanks pal I needed that.
seliki: (Eeyore)
( Jun. 10th, 2012 12:52 pm)
Alright one week ago my sister passed and at this point I'm still a little numb. We are moving on and's hard. I keep thinking of all this stuff that I need to ask Robbie and tell her and then it hits me...she's gone and I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to the girls they have their own stuff and I can't talk to them about the things I talked to their mom about, it's sisterly stuff. I can't talk to my room mate because some of it is about her, huff, everyone needs someone to talk to and Rob was mine. I have a feeling that I will be doing a lot of blogging here now. I am being handled with kid gloves and told to be strong for the girls...what the hell do they think I'm doing twiddling my thumbs?!?!

My brother-in-law is being a dick and former bro-in-law has grown up and yes they are currently working together but I don't think that will be working for much longer. I refuse to be the referee they are adults and need to work this crap out between them. I have bullied and pushed and got the funeral arranged and food taking care of, Mary has kicked ass on the keeping us focused front. We all took a break yesterday and didn't get together in the same house like we have all week, it was a relief.
seliki: (Eeyore)
( Jun. 9th, 2012 08:58 am)
Ok buried Robbie yesterday, I had to remind myself that we are like caterpillars and leave behind chrysalis's for what God has ready for us forever. It still hurt and didn't make a damn bit of difference but I had to hold it together for her girls. She had been an EMT (emergency medical technician) for over 20 years and was darn proud of it. When a emergency response personnel dies they have what is called last call over the air to all stations to know that one of their own had passed to God...Oh Lord we all lost it. That made it real for so many of us, now we have to get on with the living without her...what am I going to do without my best friend and confidant?
seliki: (Eeyore)
( Jun. 3rd, 2012 05:25 pm)
Oh God Oh sister is dead, nobody should outlive their little sister!! At 11:30 this morning I became the last in my immediate family left alive, first mom and now Robbie and I'm alone. I have my nieces and family and friends but she was my little sister. I could talk to her about anything and always everything and now she's gone...I have a hole in my soul that will never be filled again and it's the size of my sister and it hurts and aches and screams!! I wasn't there to be with her and I know the first thing that she would want is for me to be with the girls but that doesn't make it hurt any more or feel anymore empty or that I failed her. I know this will pass but it will be a long time coming before that happens.


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